Tourniquet
by Dark Metal Queen
Summary: The idea came to me from Evanescence's song Tourniquet. What happens when Susan tries to kill herself after she finds out about what happend to her siblings? Read to find out. Rated T. Comment


**Disclaimer: I do not own The Chronicles of Narnia or Tourniquet by Evanescence. That's just where I got this idea.**

**Rated T because this story is dark.**

**Enjoy and please comment.**

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"I tried to kill the pain

But it only brought more

I laying dying

And I am pouring crimson regret and betrayal

I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming

Am I too lost to be saved

Am I too lost?

My God My tourniquet

Return to me salvation

My God My tourniquet

Return to me salvation," ~ Tourniquet, Evanescence

With a kitchen knife in her right hand and two quickly bleeding arms, Susan stared blankly out of her dorm room window. She had cut her wrists, slashing the veins that carried the blood to her miserable heart. She waited for death, and begged that it would come and end this sadness. Death would be a blessing for her now. If her brothers and sister could die for a false belief, why couldn't she die for them because she loved them. So Susan waited and waited until the massive amount of blood loss made her go unconscious. She had no idea what was on the other side she just hoped that she would have peace of all of this crushing despair.

Susan didn't know when it happened. It could have been hours later for all she knew, but suddenly she was not in her dorm room anymore. Now, Susan was lying on her back in a pitch, dead, black place. There was no light, like a stage after the play is over and everyone has gone home. Nothing could possibly live there. This was probably a place where only the dead and dying could go, if they were undeserving enough that is. Susan didn't like where she was now and fear began to creep over her and suffocate her. This place was almost enough to make her believe in all those childhood monsters she used to believe in. It was as if in the never ending shadows something would jump out at her. Fear, despair, and paranoia seemed to reign here and cause a person to relive every bad memory they had ever had. However somehow Susan knew she had to fight this bad feeling, this bad place, and these bad memories, so she though of Peter and Edmund and Lucy.

"Those childish games we used to play..." she said, "What were we again...Kings and queens I should think. And who was that person, that thing, or place we used to love...Who cares now, that was a long time ago, and they should have grown up like I did. Even if I did grow up too fast."

Her fond memories turned to rage and that made her want to get out of this place, wherever she was. Susan decided that there was no point on staying on the ground, if it really was a ground she was lying on, so she slowly got up and began walking in no direction in particular. So she walked and walked and walked until she realized that there was no way out and that she might be stuck in this place for all eternity. With that thought in her head she stomped on the ground over and over again like a toddler throwing a pointless temper tantrum. She screamed and shouted that it wasn't fair.

"Its not fair that I have to lose everyone I love! Why God! Why! Why! WHY!" Susan shouted towards the ground, "I hate this! I'm a good person aren't I? Don't I deserve happiness and people to love me?"

"Susan," a voice said from out of nowhere, "Susan I am here."

Susan gasps and asks who is it that is calling her. The voice tells her to look straight ahead and beyond the shadows. As she looks ahead she sees a strange figure coming towards her with strangely kind eyes looking at her. The figure comes closer and closer to her and begins to hear it sing a song, it was a song that only the dead and dying could hear. As the creature got closer to her Susan became more and more spellbound by the song, she also grew more fearful of what was coming for her.

"Are you Mr. Death?" Susan asked.

"No," the voice said

"Who are you then and what do you want from me?" Susan asked the voice.

"I am someone you have know since childhood. I am someone who is disappointed with who you have become," the voice sadly said.

"You still haven't answered my question. Who are you? What is this place? Where am I?"

"Reach out and touch me and you will remember."

Very hesitantly Susan does as she is told and reaches out to feel who is coming towards her. She feels something soft and warm, almost like fur. At first she thinks that it must be a dog, "But a dog can't talk." So she thought it was a person wearing a fur coat which made her think of her first thought, that this person or thing was Mr. Death himself.

"I am not death," the voice said before he commanded the light to come.

The light that now shone was like a spotlight. It was very bright and hot, which made Susan uncomfortable. That was nothing though compared to what she saw before her. In front of her she saw a huge, ferocious(to her at least), frightening lion. It was Aslan, the Great Lion. Susan jumped away out of horror at the sight of this beast tripping over her own two feet in the process. She begs him not to hurt her.

"I'm Aslan Susan, and I will not hurt you. Look down."

"Why? So you can lunge at me and kill me?"

"I would never do that. Besides, there is no point. You are dying. Now look down and you'll see what I mean," the Lion said.

Again Susan reluctantly looks down. The ground beneath her had turned see-through and she could see her body lying on her bed in her dorm room. She saw her blood flowing everywhere from her cut wrists. She saw the knife lying on the carpet looking menacing and happy that it had cut this young woman up. Her body looked lifeless and jaded and Susan couldn't stand to look at herself anymore. When she compared what she had just saw to where she was now, Susan could tell that she was not on the planet Earth anymore. Susan figured that she probably wasn't even anywhere near Earth. _"So where am I,"_ she thought to herself.

"Such a shame to waste such beauty," Aslan solemnly said, "I never would have expected this for Susan the Gentle, a queen of the land of Narnia."

"What?" Susan whispered in a shock, "You mean that silly game I used to play with Peter and Edmund and Lucy?"

"Yes and its not a game. Just like this is not a game. You. Are. Dying. Susan you have a choice to make. You either come with me and live in paradise and in the New Narnia."

"...And my second choice?"

"You will be denied and banished with no way back. Choose."

Susan was frozen in place, petrified with numbing fear. How could she believe this lion? How did she know that this was actually real? This could all just be a dream that she would wake up from. Then she looked at her arms and saw that they were covered in blood. She also knew that she had suffered more pain since she decided to even try to end her life. If this was real then she'd get to see her family again, she wouldn't be alone. However if she didn't choose and refused to believe she'd be alone for the rest of her life possibly. Nothing was easy now, absolutely nothing was easy.

"Get up and look to your left Susan."

And so she does and she sees a kind of mirror appear as if by magic. Susan walks towards it and it becomes even more magical. It was like a window where she saw an amazing field, with oceans and forests nearby, as well as a castle faraway in the distance. And laughing and moving around was everyone she loved. She saw her mum and dad, her older brother Peter, her younger brother and sister Edmund and Lucy, as well as her cousin Eustace, and his friend Jill, and also Professor Kirke, his old friend Polly Plummer. They all looked happy and carefree and suddenly they seemed to be waving at her and calling her name. "Susan. Susan. Susan. Come join us won't you." Susan anted desperately to join them but a nagging thought in her mind kept telling her it wasn't real. Her mind kept going to what Peter had said to her a few days before his death: _"You have never been the same since we couldn't go back to Narnia when we were kids. And you definitely changed for the worse the day you discovered sex. What friend are you now?"_

His words have haunted her since his death and now during her's she couldn't see the happiness being played out in front of her.

Aslan walked right up beside Susan and told her that she had to make a choice now. What would it be. Would she choose to be with him and her family and have happiness at last, or will she choose to be forever damned? Susan's time was up.

"How can I believe this? This is all just a dream. Stop torturing me like this!"

"If that is what you wish," Aslan said sadly, "You won't see me again. I'll grant you one last gift O Queen of Narnia, and that is the gift of sleep."

And so the Lion breathed his sweet breath onto Susan's face and she went to sleep dreaming dreams of the impossible and non existent.

Susan woke up in her dorm room, her cuts she gave herself to die had healed, and her head was spinning from what had just gone on. At first she thought it was a dream but then she looked beside her bed on the floor. On the floor was a single bit a fur, lion's fur, She knew them what she had experienced was no dream. With a horrified look on her face she realized her grave mistake. Susan wanted to take everything back. She wanted to go to Narnia with Aslan the wonderful Lion and be with her loved ones, but that was no longer possible, so she began to cry out. Her tears wouldn't save her though, so in a desperate act she opened the window and jumped out falling directly to the ground below, killing her on impact.

"My wounds cry for the grave

My soul cries for deliverence

Will I be denied Christ

Tourniquet

My suicide

Return to me salvation

Return to me salvation."


End file.
